Mama, Growing Up

I was pushing Maddi through Target the other day and a series of thoughts popped into my head as I realized that, by the time the third child comes...well, you've learned a thing or two. Maybe, like me, you might not realize it at first, but here are some examples for you:

-Don't dig yourself an early grave by saying "uh oh!" every time your baby drops something. You now know you will regret this later if you do, when that baby discovers her most favorite game.

-A baby toothbrush, or carrot or celery stick, is a better teether than anything you can buy labeled "Teether".

-Just let them slobber on anything and yes, pick it up and give it back to them.

As you push this third baby through the store, you might just find yourself wondering at it all. How did you make it this far? How did you finally learn to relax enough to really soak in some knowledge and even a bit of wisdom?

You think about the suffering you've gone through. With a pang of guilt, as images of third world countries flit across your mind, you think of your own long nights, nonstop crying, shrill screams, needs so numerous you couldn't possibly meet them all at once, and you realize that suffering is relative and of course, you've suffered. Quite a bit, actually.

You've learned what a failure you are, and realized that in the middle of that failure is the grace that you were working so hard to achieve in conquering motherhood. Your oldest child isn't accomplishing the academic goals you set out for, but he has seen your tears as you apologize, and you now feel that little eternal lesson is more signifiant than whether he can read yet.

You are able to forgive yourself - even if only a moment here, or a moment there - for being confused about yourself and your life, for even hating it sometimes. You realize most people are really like you, after all, and struggle to stay put in their mind.

And just like that, bit by painfully slow bit, you change. And wake up one day realizing that you have something to share, and the bulk of it isn't advice.