Today I'm fascinated
with Fiddle Leaf Figs.
Wherever we’ve lived, I’ve
always thought that my house needed more things on the walls and more live
plants. But it doesn’t happen. I'm usually indecisive about my style and struggle with settling on something
(anything!). And although I buy houseplants,
I inevitably kill each one of them.
Just after Aaron and I married, I had a "love avocado" seed that I wanted to sprout. I was going to grow it into a beautiful indoor houseplant and was ridiculously sentimental about it. After a year of that, and several failed attempts along with a few "love avocado" replacements, I gave up. Aaron might not know this, but I was a little disturbed by the experience and I'm grateful that it didn't turn out to be a metaphor.
Just after Aaron and I married, I had a "love avocado" seed that I wanted to sprout. I was going to grow it into a beautiful indoor houseplant and was ridiculously sentimental about it. After a year of that, and several failed attempts along with a few "love avocado" replacements, I gave up. Aaron might not know this, but I was a little disturbed by the experience and I'm grateful that it didn't turn out to be a metaphor.
But I worry about that. I do get bored easily. I have difficulty even seeing the external world and staying in touch with that reality. I don't intrinsically feel compelled to take care of
It's grueling for me to wrench myself out of my inner world and come to the surface. And when I do, I realize that, Ohh, now I see that you have no clean clothes to wear, and you need that form signed, and there are no dinner plans and you have no idea what is happening next...And of course, you need to know someone will faithfully care for you and not just care about you.
We are having a conversation on Facebook about personality profiling, and I heard another story of a woman who shifted into a different category once she became a mother. I'm sure there are so many reasons for that, and it happened to me as well. I think that marriage and motherhood awakened my weak F (Feeling) and hibernating J (Judging) traits that can put me in touch with people and give me clarity and resolve to take action on their behalf.
Love does that, and I hope it does that more for me. I don't mind being subpar in those areas, because it allows me to thrive in the other complementary sphere of abstract thought and conceptualization, which is who I am. But I love my family. And that means I need to move. I am trying to dig deeper into my J- and F-ness. I want to find a balance (which is the goal of being human, I think) that will reassure my family that I am committed to them, even if the execution is comically poor.