Dooce is hosting a watch party for a movie she believes in. What doesn't seem significant is that she believes in something. Who doesn't? I "believe" in so many things; I am not lacking passion. But Dooce is throwing a watch party. With her close friends, she wants to underline and highlight what she believes in. She wants to stop and give it the pause she thinks it deserves.
My question is: why does it seem that everyone else has space in their life for special events, traditions, outings, friends even, while I go about life day by day? Each day ends and another begins. Repeat. My life.
Another friend would perhaps describe what I'm missing as "symbols". It's not a lack of meaning or purpose; in fact, I feel full of a purpose and calling that I know is a privilege and ultimately a joy to have. But this purpose, my life, is disorganized, hazy. I am busy working, but missing those moments that draw me into the meaning to really see it. It feels like I'm experiencing that part of life that, when I try to recollect it 20 years later, will become condensed into a one-sentence sweep of the hand. "I took care of the children and baby."
Reading that Dooce is having a watch party stands out as an activity so apart from what I do, that I have to at least pause and sort out why. It could be that this is merely the way of life for stay-at-home moms of small children, who are easily flustered and don't like getting out much. Maybe this is Me, right now.
Or maybe this is like the time I got my first job. I was a cashier at Winn-Dixie, and after my first day, I went to bed and dreamed that I was checking out customers, and couldn't stop. Swipe, beep, swipe, beep, swipe, beep. Over and over all night. I couldn't wake up. I tried.
Being a mother is mostly about repetitive tasks right now: breakfast, clean up, direct children, lunch, clean up, direct children, snack, direct children, dinner, clean up, direct children. Sleep. Wake. Repeat. And I could easily see slipping into some sort of stupor, especially for my personality that wants goal-oriented activities.
So perhaps it's only that my brain and soul have fallen asleep with the busyness of taking care of small children/running a house/dealing with life's issues. Maybe putting in a bit of effort to organize and make moments happen that stop to consider the meaning in my life will help take away that haze I feel.
It could be something else as well. It could a lot of somethings. It could be that the reason Dooce's watch party made my heart suddenly long for something is that it'd be nice to have an intimate gathering of true friends over something special. Or maybe it was a pang for heaven. And maybe it just sounded blissful to have the time to host a party and to know you'd be able to watch an entire movie uninterrupted!
I'm still not sure, but I found my reaction so strange, that it was worth the pause to think about.