Maddi's last three weeks are gone. Never to be experienced again, which is sad, and also slightly a relief (considering how stressful the transition can be!).
Just after she turned 3 weeks, the congestion turned into an all-out cold. This was sad (hearing a newborn breathe through a congested nose would make even the most stoic man feel sympathy), but there was a consolation: more sleep!
It seems Madelyn is ready to turn my ideas of newborn behavior on its head, because it was at this point that she began sleeping in much longer stretches! She would go to sleep around 9:30 or so and sleep until 2:30 or 3:00, nurse again and sleep until 8:00 or even later. What sickly child sleeps better? Our oldest two have always slept very little when they are the least bit under the weather. Thankful yet again for the gentle way that things have gone for me so far.
The early bedtime lasted about a week, but just after she turned the Big 1 Month, she began getting fussy in the afternoons, which quickly evovled into fussy afternoons and evenings, and then (watch my anxiety increase here) into fussy afternoons, evenings and early mornings. For an entire week and a half, most days she would be fussy from 4pm until midnight, or one, or two in the morning.
Just like I knew I would, my fears about losing sleep, and remembering Emma, and my depression then, came back and it was hard for me to feel in control, to be calm, and to stare at the moment unafraid.
Thankfully, I noticed that I was having digestive problems, and found that in the last week and a half I'd been introducing more dairy and wasn't digesting well, which of course made me wonder about Maddi. I nixed the dairy (raw milk had the worst effect! sadness!) on the Sunday after she turned five weeks, and by Wednesday her fussiness was gone, and she went to bed at 8pm! Not only that, but the newborn acne that had suddenly appeared around the same time as her fussiness, disappeared as well.
We had a few good nights - what am I saying?! LOVELY nights - of afternoon and early evening naps and 8pm bedtimes, 3am feedings, and 7am wakings. Yes! Lovely is the word.
Now we're at the 6 week growth spurt, which really isn't all too bad. She's waking every 3-4 hours (just last night) and eating almost every 2-3 during the day, which is more than usual but looks quite normal for a newborn when I write it down. I still feel rested, so "growth spurt" doesn't quite send the chills down my spine like it did with my other two.
I went for her check up on Friday, and she's up to 11 lbs, 7 oz. (only 5 oz in 3 weeks), but she's grown to 23 inches. It's hard to imagine what it must be like to grow 1 and 1/2 inches in 3 weeks. I would go from 5' 3" to 5' 5 1/2"! But that's what Maddi did, and the reason her sleepers are stretched to the max when I zip her in. Time to upgrade, I suppose.
It's a funny phenomenon that every mother on the planet watches her children grow - even if she goes on to have 10 of them - and wonders in amazement that they, well, grow. It's expected, it's anticipated, it's inevitable. But it feels abnormal. It's a miracle. The same kind of miracle that causes one cell to divide into two, and to continue dividing until you meet Madelyn Ruth. It's supernatural. It shouldn't happen here!
It's also wrong. It feels wrong in the way that death feels wrong. Why should people leave us? Why should they go? They're meant to be here, with me, beside me, all the rest of our eternal days. But they don't.
Babies growing is so very close to death, because from the moment they are born, they begin the process of leaving you. Pregnancy is the very closest and most intimate a woman will be with her baby. After that, it is a race to independence, a race to escape.
The first day I dropped off my children at the Mother's Day Out program at a church, I was upset. I knew I would be, since most mothers are, but I wanted to know why. Why am I crying? I'd decided I felt good about the decision, happy to give them this solution to a difficult situation, and satisfied to compromise on my ideals. It was Good.
Then why was I so sad? Really, why was I mourning?
I called a dear friend, whose children were having children, and she talked with me. The week before, she dropped off one of her grandchildren for his first day of daycare, and she cried as well. She explained that it is a kind of loss. To watch your children grow and mature, it means they must walk away from you, and it is very sad to be left.
I understand better why I hold onto my ideals so dearly. It is because they are IDEAL. They are normal. It is God's will for us to never leave each other, but to fellowship forever. It is a very good thing for mothers to be with their children, rather than to send them prematurely with someone else. Why rush the loss?
I feel it every day that Maddi grows. I rejoice in it (oh how cute her grins and babble are!), but it is so sad to think that she will leave me. That she will not need me, or be as close to me.
I'm so glad that Time is not forever (ha! what a statement to unload). I'm so glad I only have to endure the change, the leaving, the dying, the growing for now, to be perfected and to learn to love Jesus. It's a wonderful hope to have!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Lentils
I had a bag of lentils that I'd been avoiding. Thankfully, my overpowering hunger from nursing helped me get over my lack of lentil knowledge and go for it. I winged it (which is usually good for me: no overthinking) and came up with something pretty tasty.
Lentils
I do wonder if anyone else has a better version of lentils. It could use some more flavor, I think!
Lentils
Saute 1 med yellow onion and 4 large cloves of garlic (both chopped/minced) in a couple tablespoons of olive oil.
Add 1 small carrot, finely chopped, 1 cup of lentils and 3 cups of liquid (I used 1 1/2 c. chicken broth and the rest water).
Add a few dashes of thyme, ground coriander, cumin and cayenne pepper. Add 2 tsp salt and some freshly ground pepper.
Simmer about 10 minutes, then add a handful of curly parsely, chopped finely. Finish cooking.
At the very end, add the juice of half a lemon. Serve with butter and rice.
I do wonder if anyone else has a better version of lentils. It could use some more flavor, I think!
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
Coo
Today, Madelyn looked deeply into my eyes, smiled with her own, and said to me, "Cooo."
I said, "What is it, sweet girl?"
"Cooo."
"Yes?"
"Cooooo."
And yes, my heart melted. Again.
I said, "What is it, sweet girl?"
"Cooo."
"Yes?"
"Cooooo."
And yes, my heart melted. Again.
Newborn Can't-Do-Withouts
While we're at it, I might as well round off my string of postpartum posts with my own list of newborn must-haves. And no, the perfect jogging stroller is not on it.
When I think of everything you would need for a newborn, I have in my mind a picture of this tiny little person who cannot move on her own, cannot play with toys - cannot even hold a toy - and cannot venture out much due to her constant needs for feeding, changing and loving.
I mean, really, at least the first month a newborn and her caretaker are busy just existing. It's just not a time for playdates and activity gyms. Those can come later. I am thinking of those items that consume your life those first weeks; those things you use so often you could quite possibly use them while sleepwalking or spend your 2 hours of sleep at night dreaming of using them.
Newborn Necessities:
-Diapers (1 Jumbo package of size Newborn, 2 Jumbo packages of size 1 or your clean and ready-to-use cloth diapers and accessories. We use Pampers Swaddlers for the first few weeks and then switch over to Luvs once we move into size 1. I never got around to switching to cloth diapers, but have no regrets either.)
-Wipes (We've used Pampers Sensitive with all three children. Would love to have made my own, but see above.)
-Burp cloths (Which in my household means: cloth diapers! Just know that there's birdseye flatfold and then there's prefolded 3-ply. I like the birdseye since they're not bulky, but still absorbent.)
-Onesies or sleepers (Depending on the season, and be sure to grab 3 month sizes as well - they grow like Chia pets!)
-Baby hat (to keep her warm)
-1 plush, cosy blanket
-2-3 receiving blankets
-1 sheepskin rug (I want one to sleep on too.)
-Thermometer (Take baby's temp the first few days.)
-Alcohol swabs or essential oils (like lavender) for cord care.
-Small bottle of olive oil for baby's bottom (Makes cleaning the meconium - that first, tarry bowel movement - a much easier job; if you continue to use it, it will help prevent rashes as well.)
-Coconut oil (This is new to my list. Maddi had so many rolls that she began to get a rash around her neck and in her diaper area. Coconut oil is antibacterial, -fungal and - viral, which cleared it up right away. Country Comfort works really well also.)
-Burt's Bees Apricot Oil (After 4 1/2 years with 3 children, it's ingrained in my brain that this is the way a newborn smells!)
-Humidifier
-Carseat
-Swing or something else for those times you need to sit baby down.
-Pacifier (Unless you've already decided you don't want your baby to use one, grab one just in case. You might like them, you might not. Your baby may or may not like them as well. In our case, our third baby finally took one, but we haven't given it to her much, since I wanted to make sure she could nurse really well before we did. We give it to her occasionally, and plan to do so for car rides or when we're out and about and I can't plop down to nurse her.)
-Sling: Slings are awesome. Ring slings, Moby wraps, Mei Teis, they're all great. Get one (or make one) and try it. Being hands-free and luggage-free when you go out with your baby is wonderful, and makes you feel better about being out with a newborn, since she's close to you (on you!) and no stranger can cause you anxiety by planting their face inches from hers or (worse!) asking to hold her. Also great for fussy babies. Emma slept constantly in my sling while around the house, and it calmed Joseph when he had fussy moments.
-One large basket to keep these items easy to grab.
A few things NOT on the list:
-Bathing items: You don't need a special washcloth, tub or towel, although you might want them. I don't like to use any kind of soap for a while on newborns, although Aveeno and Burt's Bees make good ones.
-Lots of clothes: But really, if this were my first girl, I'd go crazy. I already have a stock of cute outfits! :)
-An assortment of strollers: We have one because it came with the carseat and we've used it once at a park. One time in a month! I'm sure we'll use it more as she gets older and we get out more.
-Crib and bedding: This is just my preference. We had a crib and bedding for our first, and he actually used it and slept there from day 3 on. My second never slept, so no bed was needed! Maddi sleeps in a small, travel-sized bassinet/pack-n-play in our room, with her sheepskin rug.
-Toys: Puh-lease. Although Maddi does have a stuffed animal. :)
-Diaper pail system: More trouble than it's worth. We just toss dirty diapers in sacks and then outside in the garage or trash can, if they're bad. But breastfed babies don't really have stinky bowel movements.
-Baby monitor: We had this with our first and it plagued my sleep! I couldn't sleep at all, afraid that blasted intercom would blare a screaming baby into my ear. I would rather have a baby in my room than have the monitor. (But I also hate alarm clocks and refuse to use them. Maybe there was too much similarity!)
-Breastpump: I would get this next time, but it's not a necessity - unless you plan to go back to work!
When I think of everything you would need for a newborn, I have in my mind a picture of this tiny little person who cannot move on her own, cannot play with toys - cannot even hold a toy - and cannot venture out much due to her constant needs for feeding, changing and loving.
I mean, really, at least the first month a newborn and her caretaker are busy just existing. It's just not a time for playdates and activity gyms. Those can come later. I am thinking of those items that consume your life those first weeks; those things you use so often you could quite possibly use them while sleepwalking or spend your 2 hours of sleep at night dreaming of using them.
Newborn Necessities:
-Diapers (1 Jumbo package of size Newborn, 2 Jumbo packages of size 1 or your clean and ready-to-use cloth diapers and accessories. We use Pampers Swaddlers for the first few weeks and then switch over to Luvs once we move into size 1. I never got around to switching to cloth diapers, but have no regrets either.)
-Wipes (We've used Pampers Sensitive with all three children. Would love to have made my own, but see above.)
-Burp cloths (Which in my household means: cloth diapers! Just know that there's birdseye flatfold and then there's prefolded 3-ply. I like the birdseye since they're not bulky, but still absorbent.)
-Onesies or sleepers (Depending on the season, and be sure to grab 3 month sizes as well - they grow like Chia pets!)
-Baby hat (to keep her warm)
-1 plush, cosy blanket
-2-3 receiving blankets
-1 sheepskin rug (I want one to sleep on too.)
-Thermometer (Take baby's temp the first few days.)
-Alcohol swabs or essential oils (like lavender) for cord care.
-Small bottle of olive oil for baby's bottom (Makes cleaning the meconium - that first, tarry bowel movement - a much easier job; if you continue to use it, it will help prevent rashes as well.)
-Coconut oil (This is new to my list. Maddi had so many rolls that she began to get a rash around her neck and in her diaper area. Coconut oil is antibacterial, -fungal and - viral, which cleared it up right away. Country Comfort works really well also.)
-Burt's Bees Apricot Oil (After 4 1/2 years with 3 children, it's ingrained in my brain that this is the way a newborn smells!)
-Humidifier
-Carseat
-Swing or something else for those times you need to sit baby down.
-Pacifier (Unless you've already decided you don't want your baby to use one, grab one just in case. You might like them, you might not. Your baby may or may not like them as well. In our case, our third baby finally took one, but we haven't given it to her much, since I wanted to make sure she could nurse really well before we did. We give it to her occasionally, and plan to do so for car rides or when we're out and about and I can't plop down to nurse her.)
-Sling: Slings are awesome. Ring slings, Moby wraps, Mei Teis, they're all great. Get one (or make one) and try it. Being hands-free and luggage-free when you go out with your baby is wonderful, and makes you feel better about being out with a newborn, since she's close to you (on you!) and no stranger can cause you anxiety by planting their face inches from hers or (worse!) asking to hold her. Also great for fussy babies. Emma slept constantly in my sling while around the house, and it calmed Joseph when he had fussy moments.
-One large basket to keep these items easy to grab.
A few things NOT on the list:
-Bathing items: You don't need a special washcloth, tub or towel, although you might want them. I don't like to use any kind of soap for a while on newborns, although Aveeno and Burt's Bees make good ones.
-Lots of clothes: But really, if this were my first girl, I'd go crazy. I already have a stock of cute outfits! :)
-An assortment of strollers: We have one because it came with the carseat and we've used it once at a park. One time in a month! I'm sure we'll use it more as she gets older and we get out more.
-Crib and bedding: This is just my preference. We had a crib and bedding for our first, and he actually used it and slept there from day 3 on. My second never slept, so no bed was needed! Maddi sleeps in a small, travel-sized bassinet/pack-n-play in our room, with her sheepskin rug.
-Toys: Puh-lease. Although Maddi does have a stuffed animal. :)
-Diaper pail system: More trouble than it's worth. We just toss dirty diapers in sacks and then outside in the garage or trash can, if they're bad. But breastfed babies don't really have stinky bowel movements.
-Baby monitor: We had this with our first and it plagued my sleep! I couldn't sleep at all, afraid that blasted intercom would blare a screaming baby into my ear. I would rather have a baby in my room than have the monitor. (But I also hate alarm clocks and refuse to use them. Maybe there was too much similarity!)
-Breastpump: I would get this next time, but it's not a necessity - unless you plan to go back to work!
Monday, March 07, 2011
3 Weeks
The past two weeks have flown by, but, of course, it's impossible to have stuffed the past two weeks in only 14 days. It feels more like 2 months.
Maddi hit some sort of growth spurt that Sunday after she turned 1 week and nursed around the clock for 3 days, making her nights fussy and sad. Aaron and I became zombies that whole week. We were absolutely exhausted and having deja vu. Happily, though, sometime midweek, I plopped Maddi in bed with me and determined to sleep. The precious girl slept happily snuggling next to Mama. Mama slept in some contorted position that involved a crooked neck, arm and arched back. But I slept.
By the next night, and the next she was realizing that darkness means sleep, or nursing and going back to sleep, and I was praising God each time she woke in the night and peacefully went back to sleep. Everyone prays for relief from suffering, and new mothers pray for sleep. It's impossible not to rejoice and skip for joy when a newborn sleeps.
Maddi didn't exactly get into this night-time pattern on her own. Through trial and error those nights late last week, it became clear that although Maddi was happy to sleep in the swing or your arms, she would not *stay* asleep after you lay her down. That is, unless she fussed to sleep. The strangest thing I've ever seen. She seems to prefer to fuss for 10 minutes or so and will sleep happily for hours. My balanced husband saw me wringing my hands over this business - of me trying to decide to Cry It Out or Attach herself to us - and lovingly said: "Kelly, if I want to pick her up and rock her to sleep, I will. If I think she needs to cry a bit to go to sleep, then that's what we'll do." I think that's called Balance, but I wouldn't know. I call it Sanity, and I'm thankful to have that blessed man around during the middle of the night!
That pattern has mostly continued this past week as well, and she'll usually go 4-5 hours between feedings at night, sleeping on her tummy on her sheepskin in her little bassinet. I feel wonderful.
Last weekend, my mom came to OKC to meet Maddi, and also to help with the children while Aaron and I went to a Bruce Edstrom conference in Norman. Maddi had her first public outing at Santa Fe Steakhouse. She slept through the entire dinner in her carseat. I kept glancing at her, wondering at it. I may sound over the top in my amazement at her sleeping, but it's a 180 degree turn from her sister, and still hard to believe.
We also stopped by the midwives to weigh Maddi girl and at a 2 1/2 weeks she weighed 11 pounds, 2 ounces and measured in at 21 1/2 inches. Excellent work, Madelyn!
She's congested right now, probably due to the fact that Emma, Joseph and I are also congested, with coughs. I hope it passes soon: it's a pitiful sound to hear a snuffly newborn.
I found myself anxious last week. It was a restless - rather than a panicky - anxiety, caused by asking myself over and over, "What am I to do now?". There's no return to life before baby, if for no other reason that it's been well over 10 months since there was a life without preparing for baby. How, then, do I create a life *with* baby? I ask myself this every time a baby comes, and stumble through it each time as well.
It feels strange to navigate life with a new person, and it's hard to get past the fact that my new life will mostly mean a repetition of domestic activities that are self-perpetuating. I will clean so that I can clean later; I will change diapers so that I can change more later. In this stage when the children are young, it's hard for me to see purpose beyond sustaining existence. And then I feel like the poor atheists, who wisely ask themselves, "Why am I working so hard to exist, when there's no point to existing?" Thankfully, my situation is short-lived, with great purpose behind all the mundane, circular tasks. (Not so for the atheists.)
It's helpful that over the last several years I've changed and begun to trust God will my moments and days, giving up control over the seemingly more important and urgent things that I really want to do. I'm willing to wait for big dreams or perfection, so I'm doing a bit better at handling the reality of each day.
I also have come to terms with Me. I love to be busy, love to keep my mind occupied with figuring things out, and so I'm happily taking on projects and planning and those things that are very much NOT repetitive, domestic activities. It feels good to do that, and to do it without being paranoid that others may find fault with that.
I think I'm on my way to growing up. My heart really is full. It's full of gratefulness for God's being tender with me in giving me Maddi. My heart is full of fear that it will get harder. My heart is full of praise for all the newness and promise that comes with our precious new girl. My heart is full of sadness at what our family is going through right now. It's full of confusion when I think about our future and how we don't know what to do now.
But I feel more solid, more secure than I have before. Because there is no searching except for Christ. I will not demand of Aaron to be my ceaseless comfort and wise advisor, or that the children be perfect, or that my emotions obey the truth. I'll ask for grace and ask that Jesus stay with me, because that's all I can hope for, and really all I know I want.
Maddi hit some sort of growth spurt that Sunday after she turned 1 week and nursed around the clock for 3 days, making her nights fussy and sad. Aaron and I became zombies that whole week. We were absolutely exhausted and having deja vu. Happily, though, sometime midweek, I plopped Maddi in bed with me and determined to sleep. The precious girl slept happily snuggling next to Mama. Mama slept in some contorted position that involved a crooked neck, arm and arched back. But I slept.
By the next night, and the next she was realizing that darkness means sleep, or nursing and going back to sleep, and I was praising God each time she woke in the night and peacefully went back to sleep. Everyone prays for relief from suffering, and new mothers pray for sleep. It's impossible not to rejoice and skip for joy when a newborn sleeps.
Maddi didn't exactly get into this night-time pattern on her own. Through trial and error those nights late last week, it became clear that although Maddi was happy to sleep in the swing or your arms, she would not *stay* asleep after you lay her down. That is, unless she fussed to sleep. The strangest thing I've ever seen. She seems to prefer to fuss for 10 minutes or so and will sleep happily for hours. My balanced husband saw me wringing my hands over this business - of me trying to decide to Cry It Out or Attach herself to us - and lovingly said: "Kelly, if I want to pick her up and rock her to sleep, I will. If I think she needs to cry a bit to go to sleep, then that's what we'll do." I think that's called Balance, but I wouldn't know. I call it Sanity, and I'm thankful to have that blessed man around during the middle of the night!
That pattern has mostly continued this past week as well, and she'll usually go 4-5 hours between feedings at night, sleeping on her tummy on her sheepskin in her little bassinet. I feel wonderful.
Last weekend, my mom came to OKC to meet Maddi, and also to help with the children while Aaron and I went to a Bruce Edstrom conference in Norman. Maddi had her first public outing at Santa Fe Steakhouse. She slept through the entire dinner in her carseat. I kept glancing at her, wondering at it. I may sound over the top in my amazement at her sleeping, but it's a 180 degree turn from her sister, and still hard to believe.
We also stopped by the midwives to weigh Maddi girl and at a 2 1/2 weeks she weighed 11 pounds, 2 ounces and measured in at 21 1/2 inches. Excellent work, Madelyn!
She's congested right now, probably due to the fact that Emma, Joseph and I are also congested, with coughs. I hope it passes soon: it's a pitiful sound to hear a snuffly newborn.
I found myself anxious last week. It was a restless - rather than a panicky - anxiety, caused by asking myself over and over, "What am I to do now?". There's no return to life before baby, if for no other reason that it's been well over 10 months since there was a life without preparing for baby. How, then, do I create a life *with* baby? I ask myself this every time a baby comes, and stumble through it each time as well.
It feels strange to navigate life with a new person, and it's hard to get past the fact that my new life will mostly mean a repetition of domestic activities that are self-perpetuating. I will clean so that I can clean later; I will change diapers so that I can change more later. In this stage when the children are young, it's hard for me to see purpose beyond sustaining existence. And then I feel like the poor atheists, who wisely ask themselves, "Why am I working so hard to exist, when there's no point to existing?" Thankfully, my situation is short-lived, with great purpose behind all the mundane, circular tasks. (Not so for the atheists.)
It's helpful that over the last several years I've changed and begun to trust God will my moments and days, giving up control over the seemingly more important and urgent things that I really want to do. I'm willing to wait for big dreams or perfection, so I'm doing a bit better at handling the reality of each day.
I also have come to terms with Me. I love to be busy, love to keep my mind occupied with figuring things out, and so I'm happily taking on projects and planning and those things that are very much NOT repetitive, domestic activities. It feels good to do that, and to do it without being paranoid that others may find fault with that.
I think I'm on my way to growing up. My heart really is full. It's full of gratefulness for God's being tender with me in giving me Maddi. My heart is full of fear that it will get harder. My heart is full of praise for all the newness and promise that comes with our precious new girl. My heart is full of sadness at what our family is going through right now. It's full of confusion when I think about our future and how we don't know what to do now.
But I feel more solid, more secure than I have before. Because there is no searching except for Christ. I will not demand of Aaron to be my ceaseless comfort and wise advisor, or that the children be perfect, or that my emotions obey the truth. I'll ask for grace and ask that Jesus stay with me, because that's all I can hope for, and really all I know I want.
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