Last night, at the end-of-year ceremony for his preschool, I read in the program that when my son grows up, he wants to "do a dangerous construction job in Oklahoma City".
I woke up this morning, thinking, 'I guess he really will grow up'. Nothing motivates me to be a thinker, a doer, a lover more than knowing that when he does grow up, it will most likely be in my image.
So who am I? Who do I want to be? What do I believe? Because he will be these things.
After going to counseling for almost two years now, I know why my throat closes when I'm overwhelmed; why I yell at my children, furious that they need me; why I seek earnestly for any distraction or activity that will keep me from quiet reflection in those moments of anxiety or frustration.
It's terrifying being alone.
We believe we are weak, helpless and powerless. We believe we deserve everything, because we are nothing. We believe we will not make it without whatever it is that makes us feel strong. We believe we cannot be happy unless our lives are arranged a certain way. We believe we will never be loved, and everyone will find a reason to hurt us.
The terrifying part is that our fears are true.
Panic attacks are not being overwhelmed by fear. I believe they are being overwhelmed by reality.
We are broken people in a broken world, but ironically need perfection. Day in and day out, we face the truth that no one is loving me like I need, things aren't working out like I want, and the damn squirrels always run out in front of MY van. The truth is that we are not as helpless as we feel, but we are much more fragile than we are comfortable with. Panic attacks are in order when you realize that.
I know that in this world, to make myself vulnerable doesn't mean the chance of being hurt, it means that getting hurt is inevitable. I've had more panic attacks since waking up to this truth than I did before I acknowledged it. It gets worse before it gets better, but I am stronger in the truth than in the lie that I'm okay.
So the person I was when I wore my mask - when I tried to be who I thought I should be, instead of who I am - isn't the person I want Joseph to be. I want him to have the courage to be dangerous and to think thoughts the world (or the Church) might squelch because they are not the norm. I hope he has the strength to truly love and die and be humiliated and humbled and scarred by someone (lots of people), because he knows that he is loved and that Christ will not leave him. And I hope that he can scream and cry and yell at the injustice of it all, of not being loved back when he wants to be.
I hope he feels freedom to be present with himself, instead of contempt, pity, shame or arrogance. I think after he learns all that, he will be the man God wants him to be. And I will be a very proud Mama when I see that man.
5 comments:
That's beautiful, Kelly, as are you!!
You really need to make sure you keep this!!! It will be awesome for both of you to read in the future :) I have NO doubts that you are a good mommy!! All your children are blessed to have you as their mom!
I often have dreams involving people who want to hurt me. I spend good chunks of these dreams running in terror or fighting like a crazed, terrified cat. Quite frequently, though, I'll realize at some point that I'm dreaming, and then I stop running. I also stop lashing out. I make them stop because what I experience still matters to me, but I'm not scared anymore. Though these people can make me hurt, they can't *really* hurt me. Who I am and what I'm made of goes beyond anything they can touch.
If only it were so easy to realize this is still true when I'm awake. Thanks for the reminder, Kelly.
@Mrs Bear - Thank you! Umm...Do we know each other??
@Renee - Thank, Renee. When I re-read it, I wondered what Joseph would think in 10 or 15 years. Would he think I was silly? Would he understand what I mean? It'll be interesting to hear his thoughts one day.
@Norman - I know how you feel. I can see my growing up, waking up and taking off my mask in my dreams over the years: before marriage, I dreamt of saving the world; after kids, of people killing me or Aaron leaving me (HORRIBLE dreams); now, of me leaving people (still not great).
The oneness I want with myself (and with God) is pretty obviously not here yet. What I really feel is in my dreams, so I try to think of my dreams when I'm awake. :)
Emily - Caughtcha! Thanks for reading. :)
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