Being a Good Christian vs. Trusting Christ

I wonder if the Christian life isn't so much about giving up what we want as about learning to recognize what it is we really want.

I've felt most of my life it was wrong to want anything that I couldn't have or shouldn't have. What I mean is, I thought it was sin to WANT something, if I didn't have it. I thought that I was sinning when I wanted the kind of relationship someone else had, or felt angry that someone mistreated me, or that I don't want to take care of my kids at the moment.Except that, despite this conviction, and the many times I've tried to repent of this, it has never helped me deal with the fact that I WANT those things. What do I do with those wants?

The best example I can think of was the teaching I heard in high school that God wouldn't send you your spouse until you wanted Jesus more than you wanted to be married. That sounds right, except that well, it doesn't work. All that happened was that I ended up trying to want Jesus so that I could get married. I understood the biblical concept of loving God more than anything else, but that didn't change my heart and desires.

What if the Christian life isn't about trying to beat your heart into submission or putting all your energy into convincing yourself to be and think and do just what the Bible says? But about seeing what you want, and looking for that until you really find it?

In the marriage example, I wanted desperately to be married. I waited, longed, dreamt, begged, cried, schemed and prayed for a husband. And isn't that natural? To want to never be lonely, to be loved, to be comforted, to have a faithful friend, to have the security of a promise? It seems to me to be a good thing. A great thing! It's how we're designed, and is there in our hearts from the moment we're conceived.

So what do you do with that? Most people do what I did and do. They look for a way to get it. And that makes sense. The simplest solution is a spouse, but you can also try to meet that need in your dad, your best friend, your adoring fans, or your sweet children.

Then the hard part comes: they're not giving you what you want. They're not loving like you want, they're needing too much from you, they're hurting you, angering you, disappointing you. It makes you angry, because you NEED them to be a certain way and they're not.

This is the crisis we all find ourselves in, and a Christian must decide what he will do about it. He has the option to deny the truth (by telling himself that he is being selfish and wrong and must ignore these feelings, while his anger might become bitterness and then resentment) or he faces his fears and stares at the sad/frightening/hopeless facts. He looks at himself. He looks at his spouse or father or friend or child. And he sees. Really sees. They can't make him happy. He thinks about other things that might help, too. But travelling to this place, having this job, or being friends with those people won't help either when he realizes what it is that he truly wants.

He wants Jesus. He wants everlasting love, infinite patience, perfect grace, delighted affection, and an easy burden. The Christian sees this sad and wonderful truth. Sad because you are full of longing for it now, and yet you know you can't have it now. And you know these people and things can't give it to you. Sometimes the fear takes over because you know that you are left without options if you want happiness right now. It's hopeless at times, because in our weakness, our faith waivers and we wonder if we will ever be happy at all.

But it's wonderful too. Because now you see how you can stop running; you see a future hope that overshadows the anger you feel sometimes, that answers and makes sense of your sadness in having broken friendships and imperfect parents, and shows you where you can go with all these intense feelings. You have a promise that you will one day have all this figured out and will get what you want. You have a promise that you will have God Himself; and life has proven that He's what you really want after all.

This is Good News to me. I actually got what I thought I wanted - a wonderful husband, two beautiful children, a home, a garden - and it was devastating to find myself angry, sad and hopeless. I was thankful for all that God had given me (they're wonderful things!), but I couldn't ignore my heart. And my heart said I still want more.

Praise God that I can want more. I need more. I'm not sinning by wanting more. I am coming closer to Jesus by wanting more. And praise God that my wanting more has led me to Him, and not further from Him. This hope also lends me freedom from other feelings that I hated. I no longer have to be at angry at those who are not meeting my needs, because I know that they couldn't anyway. When I remember my hope, I can serve others sincerely because I am confident my own needs will be met too (but not by them).

I am also free to want the things this world has to offer. Having a loving husband, sweet children, a nice home, a beautiful garden, extra money and time for leisure do two things for me. First, they give me a taste of heaven and of how great it will be when my desires are fulfilled. They are only a taste, but they are so nice!

Second, they constantly remind me that I can't have the real deal, the full experience now. As much as I love my husband and treasure his love for me, being married is a constant reminder that no matter how deep his love runs, it's an imperfect love and just not enough. Although painful, it's good to see that these earthly pleasures will never completely satisfy me, and I must keep seeking Jesus. I can accept loss or suffering or inconvenience or not getting what I want in an honest way (it makes me angry! it makes me sad! it feels unfair!), but with a hope that has an answer for me.

I may or may not be right. But if the Gospel is the Good News that Jesus made a way for you to be with God, doesn't that beg the question: what's so great about being with God? And if you discover, through the disappointments in your life, that He is offering what you long for most, then you have a lot more to think about than how much you're sinning.