Devil's Snare

I went to church by myself yesterday.  The kids have had chicken pox for over a week, and Aaron and I talked about it and decided my sanity was more at stake than his, so off I went.  I was numb from the week and felt myself slowly thawing as I drove the 25 minutes it takes to get there.

I came to think about Devil's Snare.  I tend to relate to simple yet meaningful metaphors, and my emotional journey fits neatly into this one.

A few days before the kids came down with chicken pox, we went down to Dallas to visit our counselor.  It'd been six months since I had seen this man who has come to be a spiritual father to me.

I confessed how much hatred I have been feeling toward God while I have also strangely come to believe in the goodness of God and in His real love for me.  I felt confused that I would resent God for my past sufferings, even though I no longer see Him as a God who punishes or who is far off.

There's an...unsticking taking place in me as I wrestle with these honest but difficult feelings.  The more honest I am, the more I feel as though I am facing a choice.  And it's a choice I really don't want to make.  I'm still trying to figure out how to articulate what the choice is, because it mostly exists in my mind as images, but it's the choice to put my guard down and choose to love, even though I feel there is not enough love or Life in me to give away.

Since I feel that I have such a limited amount of Life in me, I often demand that others take care of me.  I resent my dear children for their need of me.  I cringe when they touch me, because I'm afraid they will take all of me and nothing will be left.

My counselor listened, as he always does; but this time he also gave advice and earnestly encouraged me - which has not really happened until now.  He told me that "trusting God looks like holding your children".  I knew what he meant: I could either brace myself when they touch and give as little as I have to when they need me; or I could soften to them, relax my arms around them, and give them what I have.

Of course, two days later they came down with chicken pox and I was faced with a week alone with them and their innocent neediness.  I'm trying to choose to sit with them and love them.  But it's painful.  I cry when I give myself, since I'm still scared it's not true that I will be okay.

And then I thought of Devil's Snare.  When you become entrapped in this plant, if you struggle it only tightens its grip.  It will get tighter and tighter until it squeezes you to death.  You only survive if you can manage to stop fighting and relax.  Then it releases you.

So there's the paradox of Devil's Snare, and I believe, of love as well.   In stories and wise sayings, they say the truth about love is that you find love when you are willing to give it away.  That if you choose to feel death, you will experience Life.

The beautiful part of J.K. Rowling's imagery here is that apparently, when the plant releases its victims, it only does so because it believes them to be dead.  It believes it is victorious.  Death always thinks it has you when you choose to surrender to it; but the person who chooses death becomes the victor.

I think that is the Gospel, and it's very difficult for me to believe.  But I am trying.