Safe People

I was going to write this status on Facebook: "I know it's not fair, but sometimes if someone is too honest or rude or testy with you it means you are the safest person they know and they're being vulnerable."

But really, I know better.  So I didn't.

There's so much to unpack in that.

For starters, that's only sometimes.  Other times it means they're a predator and will take all the life out of your soul and will disregard every boundary you feebly try to enforce.  Still other times they're jerks or immature or just having a bad day. 

How do you know the difference?  I would say that it's in the context of a history with that person.  At the very least, it would require conversation.  My counselor says that there are two things happening in a conversation: what someone says, and what they mean.  We have to work with what they say, but strive to figure out what they mean.  And it's awfully difficult to do that without having known them.

But I was mostly thinking of those people we already know and are in relationship with.

I'm remodeling a house, and I'm angry at my contractors right now.  Of course it's frustrating when anyone doesn't do what they say they will do, but my anger runs deeper.  Anger is a secondary emotion, so what is the primary one I'm feeling?  I'm pretty sure it's fear. 

I'm feeling something that most nearly could be called PTSD; being around working-class men with low notions of females and little respect or regard for femininity.  I feel afraid, abused, humiliated and disregarded, and therefore furious at them.  My reaction is almost certainly more extreme than their actual behavior, but that's how a trigger works with PTSD.

So going back to vulnerability.  I'm feeling all these scary, overwhelming feelings this week and who do I get testy with?  You guessed it.  NOT the contractors.  I get testy with my husband, and irritable with my children.  They're all safe, or as safe as I've got. 

I see this with my children too.  Most of the time, their anger is about wanting their needs met and can't be reduced to their naughtiness or "sinfulness".  They want to to be loved, known, seen, heard - all basic needs the human heart longs for.  When those needs feel threatened (which is really all the time for any human, only children are more demanding and less mature - maybe because of their weak position), they react strongly to get those needs met. 

My husband and I have wondered at the fact that our children behave so well for others and less so for ourselves.  We see now that they are really more afraid of others than they are of us. They're not sure that they will still be loved if they misbehave.  So they behave better for them.  (I'm generalizing here, but I think the principle is there.)

Most of the time, when someone comes to us, demanding we meet their needs or indulge their requests, we naturally balk.  I do.  I really hate that my children need me so much.  Why is that?  I tend to think that it's for the very same reason the other party is being demanding or testy: we want our needs met.  We're afraid they won't be met.  What about ME?

It's come to be a real act of faith for me to give up my resources for someone else.  I have to somehow trust that the Life I give up will come back to me.  That it won't run out, and I won't be utterly forgotten.  I'm afraid much of the time, so I hoard what I have (my time, money, attention, pleasures) so that I know I won't go without. 

I want to learn that just like so many things in this universe, what makes sense doesn't really work, and what sounds paradoxical is the truth.  I'm not happy when I'm hoarding: when I'm clingy and needy and angry about my children wanting something.  I'm never happy when I refuse to meet their needs.

But if somehow I'm able to give up those things, if I listen to my husband when he's angry instead of defending myself, or if I walk away from the computer when my child wants my attention, or give my money when I'd rather not - I find myself full of love and life, which is exactly what I was wanting all along. 

I really wish I could remember that feeling every moment of every day.  It should be easier than this, to learn to trust that God will love me and take care of me, considering that He has promised and we have Jesus as proof of that promise.  But it's very hard for me.