Dooce is hosting a watch party for a movie she believes in. What doesn't seem significant is that she believes in something. Who doesn't? I "believe" in so many things; I am not lacking passion. But Dooce is throwing a watch party. With her close friends, she wants to underline and highlight what she believes in. She wants to stop and give it the pause she thinks it deserves.
My question is: why does it seem that everyone else has space in their life for special events, traditions, outings, friends even, while I go about life day by day? Each day ends and another begins. Repeat. My life.
Another friend would perhaps describe what I'm missing as "symbols". It's not a lack of meaning or purpose; in fact, I feel full of a purpose and calling that I know is a privilege and ultimately a joy to have. But this purpose, my life, is disorganized, hazy. I am busy working, but missing those moments that draw me into the meaning to really see it. It feels like I'm experiencing that part of life that, when I try to recollect it 20 years later, will become condensed into a one-sentence sweep of the hand. "I took care of the children and baby."
Reading that Dooce is having a watch party stands out as an activity so apart from what I do, that I have to at least pause and sort out why. It could be that this is merely the way of life for stay-at-home moms of small children, who are easily flustered and don't like getting out much. Maybe this is Me, right now.
Or maybe this is like the time I got my first job. I was a cashier at Winn-Dixie, and after my first day, I went to bed and dreamed that I was checking out customers, and couldn't stop. Swipe, beep, swipe, beep, swipe, beep. Over and over all night. I couldn't wake up. I tried.
Being a mother is mostly about repetitive tasks right now: breakfast, clean up, direct children, lunch, clean up, direct children, snack, direct children, dinner, clean up, direct children. Sleep. Wake. Repeat. And I could easily see slipping into some sort of stupor, especially for my personality that wants goal-oriented activities.
So perhaps it's only that my brain and soul have fallen asleep with the busyness of taking care of small children/running a house/dealing with life's issues. Maybe putting in a bit of effort to organize and make moments happen that stop to consider the meaning in my life will help take away that haze I feel.
It could be something else as well. It could a lot of somethings. It could be that the reason Dooce's watch party made my heart suddenly long for something is that it'd be nice to have an intimate gathering of true friends over something special. Or maybe it was a pang for heaven. And maybe it just sounded blissful to have the time to host a party and to know you'd be able to watch an entire movie uninterrupted!
I'm still not sure, but I found my reaction so strange, that it was worth the pause to think about.
3 comments:
Two thoughts:
1.) Are you still driving back and forth between two cities every week and maintaining two houses? That sounds like it could eat up a lot of your time and energy.
2.) I found (especially before Lucy was mobile) that I didn't even try. A lot of things (like getting up off the couch to bake something) I didn't even attempt because I was convinced Lucy would just ruin it and I would be disappointed AGAIN. I'm not sure if that's depression, or if that's part of what's going on with you, but if in the back of your mind, you're thinking, "A WATCH PARTY?? Yeah right... [Child] would just start crying and we'd have to pause the movie 10 different times," etc, then I know *exactly* how you feel.
I felt the same way... I think it's better now. Mostly from a baby that was very different than my first. Mostly because that haze is from lack of sleep and hormones and having several children you are taking care of... Keep your chin up!!! Do you remember feeling this way before you got pregnant? I remember reading all the things you were baking and doing and making and thinking that I was pretty jealous :) I thought maybe when my two kids are that age I'll be able to do all those things too... I think the first year with a baby is the time to cherish time at home and the time with your family and repeat daily those tasks you are doing because you will not get that time back. Everyone is more mobile and more active and then life starts happening in different ways:) It's all stages - keep your chin up!!
I've been thinking about what you wrote, Jessie. And thinking about the same kind of thoughts that you wrote, Renee.
I think a huge part of it is how different it really is with a small baby, and I'm just now realizing how little freedom of movement our family has right now. It's not that big a deal, but it just hadn't occurred to me until I read about Dooce's party! I'd gotten used to a lot more freedom with J & E being so much older. :)
But I do think that I've felt a bit like this since Joseph was born, almost 5 years ago. I don't think I've adjusted quickly enough between children to get to that point where I feel I can focus on anything but keeping the family going.
I can't seem to get my mind to extend outward to parties, celebrations, special days, special moments, traditions, etc.
I've learned enough about myself to know that most of it is my personality (NOT a multi-tasker), but I do miss the feeling that those pauses in life bring you. A chance to just stop and appreciate it all. :)
So grateful that these thoughts aren't depressing this time around! I'm very happy right now, and willing myself to enjoy all three of them as much as I can. (Prayers sound like this: God, please give me grace to love them and enjoy them. PLEASE!) :)
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